Latest Humorous T-shirt Slogan:
This one has to be taken in context to be appreciated. The girl wearing this belly shirt was maybe 5'0" tall, with a muffin top going on, despite the fact that she was clearly in her third trimester of pregnancy. In addition she was wearing a thong that came up past her low-rise jeans and pushed her muffin top down over the edge to really emphasize the roll. I'm not in perfect shape so I don't expect that others should be, but when you are wearing that shirt, along with the rest of the outfit, you open yourself to scrutiny (and perhaps random looks of horror).
It's fun to hate:
When Shadowtwin reigns supreme:
A typographical error in your Church's newsletter will lead to you performing sex acts on dozens of anonymous strangers in your pursuit of "oral highground."
The stars did recently tell your wife to "listen to her heart" regarding whether or not she should leave you. The stars did not intend for you to listen to her heart. But once you used that bonesaw on her sternum (not trusting the stethoscope which just responded with a cryptic thumping sound), we're pretty sure she made up her mind anyway.
The stars would like to apologize for stating in their last prophecy, "Be wary of the stranger you meet at beach this weekend. The stars aren't sure why, but they don't trust him." Through a cosmic hiccup, that information was supposed to be released this month. The August prophecy should have read, "A dark and handsome stranger will approach you on the beach, profess his love for you, and sweep you away for a jetset marriage. After which you will lead a long, happy, prosperous, healthy life as the Queen of a small island nation." We apologize for any inconvenience this error may have caused.
Your new stopwatch will allow you to time how long you can hold your breath underwater down to the thousandth of a second. Unfortunately, poor planning will mean that you are not able to actually share the information with anyone.
Your innovative new device for beauticians to use while giving pedicures can be wildly successful and make you quite wealthy IF you change the name. Trust us, no one is going to buy a "Ped-O-File".
Your Mother always told you to wear clean underwear just in case there was an accident and paramadics had to see them. But as you board that plane today, the stars want you to know that you needn't worry about it. The debris field will be more than 8 square miles, making it impossible to find most human remains. Not to mention that the ensuing fire burned so hot that it disintegrated not only all fabric, but most of the thin metals aboard as well.
You just had to get that genital piercing, didn't you? The stars tried to warn you not to, but you went ahead and did it anyway... Now all your worst fears will come to bear when, at a campground this weekend, you run afoul of this guy:
The less traveled by areas of the Grand Canyon's north rim offer some of the most breathtaking views of this natural wonder. You will soon find out they also include some of the worst footings and none of the handrails. They do, however, provide equally awe-inspiring, terminal velocity impacts.
The stars heard your pleas, begging for someone who you could share your love with and embrace for the rest of your life. If you are still single, throw your arms around the closest person to you at 3:44pm GMT on Dcember 9th -That'll be the one. Trust us, you won't have time to be picky...
The stars have piled up most of your things on the front porch. You can stay at a friend's house, but you aren't coming back home until you admit what you did and apologize. The stars' Mother was right about you... (you must have really pissed them off; the stars were in tears while they told me this)
The stars have been doing a little thinking and a lot of math. The population of planet earth is roughly 6,796,590,704. That means that roughly 566,382,558 people share each astrological sign. About 18,620,796 have the same birthday. Based on average life expectancy as many as 248,277 people were born on the same day, in the same year, for every zodiac sign. How can one statement possibly predict the future of all of them? Ehh, fuck it. "A full moon while Venus is rising is an omen of good things to come."
They say you never know how you are going to react to a crisis. After a home invasion this weekend you will: You will scream, "Do whatever you want to my wife, but leave me alone!" You will then create a distraction by throwing your newborn at the assailant as you dive through the window to safety. Now you know.
Music lost to history:
Aerosmith - Dream On When I started doing these, I could never have imagined that I would be putting an Aerosmith song here. Since I was born in 1974, this song is well before my generation. It was recorded in 1972 and released in 1983 on Aerosmith's Self-Titled Album, but to read the information on it at Wikipedia most of us would become familiar with it from a re-release in 1976.
Like most of the music being released in the late 60's/early 70's that was pushing the rock-n-roll envelope, Dream
On relies heavily on solid composition and and melody. Before the era of the modern effects processor, these bands
had no distortion to hide behind (or very little), and synthesized instruments hadn't yet made their way into music. In
that way the music always sounds more raw to us today because, quite simply, it was. While it seems laughable to think
about today, music like this was so far removed from the bubble-gum pop of the 50's that it still wasn't accepted into the
mainstream. As the baby-boomers became the target demographic, the rock-n-roll movement really started to pick up speed,
with bands like Led Zeppelin and Aerosmith clearing the path for the much darker and heavier bands like Black
While I (and most of my generation) are probably far more familiar with the Aerosmith of the late 80's and early 90's, the
reason this song makes it onto my MLtH page comes down to one thing: Age. Not necessarily the age of the song; In fact,
as I sat down to do the research for this today, I had no idea when it was released, but would have guessed (closely) the
mid 70's. Tyler was born March 26, 1948, meaning that this song was written when he was only 24 years old. I'm not sure
why, but I have always thought this song was pretty amazing given his age at composition. I suppose it is human nature to
wax poetic about the days of yore and the imminent passage of time, but the melody sets a mood that makes you feel it
right along with him. As the song nears the end and his lyrics become more more frenzied, you can almost feel the pain
(longing?) in his voice. Listen to it with headphones and no distraction sometime, you'll see what I mean.
I wrote a short bit some time ago about Kelly Sweet's cover of this
song (see the video on Youtube). While I have since gotten over
the initial hatred I felt towards the cover of the song, I still just can't like it. The words are there; she hits the
notes; but I just can't hear it in her voice. As if there is somthing very personal about the song and Tyler's
deliverance of the lyrics that just can't be duplicated. At least to me.
That said, I have heard Aerosmith doing the song with an orchestra, and it also seems to lack the passion of the original.
So perhaps the thing that I like so much about it is the under-produced, raw sound of it, or it may be that I am still
hearing it through the ears of that impressionable youth that heard if for the first time in a dusty old Van with my Uncle
Art. Either way, it seems it is Lost to History.
I Can't Believe it's Not Porn!
WhorePresents.comYep, it's not porn. It's not a site with gifts for sale either, which is probably a good thing since I can't imagine that any woman would be at all flattered to get a gift -no matter how nice- in a box that says "Whore Presents.com" on it.
My reading list changes from time to time, and there are many sites that I visit that are not on the list.
They are listed in the order that I visit them, enjoy!
Sure most stereotypes are a bit extreme; not all Venetians wear striped shirts and power little boats along with a big stick, all the while singing romantic songs (I suppose, although I have never been to Venice so I could be wrong). Most stereotypes do have a bit of a basis in fact though. Not necessarily when it comes to ethnicity, more so when it is about a certain demographic. Like the SUV driving people on cell phones.
Before I get into the story I want to make one thing perfectly clear, I am not intending to say that if you drive an SUV and talk on the cell phone that it makes you a bad driver, quite the contrary, I am intending to say that if you are a bad driver to begin with you are more likely to buy an SUV (for your own protection) and talk on the cell phone while driving it. I think that people who are actually good drivers don't worry so much about the size of the vehicle, the number of airbags and such in their cars because it is their goal to avoid accidents, not to cause them and hope they live through it.
One other thing to throw out there before I continue, I think that SUV's should not have power steering as an option. You should really have to work to move that big boy around. That would require using both hands to steer it, thus reducing cell phone use while driving. An added bonus would be that the ditzy little women who drive the SUV's would not be able to steer it with both hands, making the roads safer all around. (Not everyone who drives an SUV is a "ditzy little woman", not every woman is ditzy, there are also a lot of men that are every bit as ditzy. Lots of women would be capable of steering an SUV without power steering as well, just not the ditzy ones.)
While walking out of the local convenience store today, I was passed by a woman talking on a cell phone. She proceeded to get into her SUV (it was one of the larger ones, I think the Cadillac one, but I didn't see the name plate), start it up and begin to back out of her parking space, never once looking anywhere other than straight ahead. A small sedan was attempting to pass behind her to get to the gas pumps, but was forced to stop to let someone walk from the gas pump towards the store.
Ms. Ditzy doesn't know any of this of course, since it didn't happen on her windshield and that was the only thing she looked at the whole damn time (I swear to god that woman's eyes never looked towards any of the mirrors, she never turned to look behind her, she just started backing up).
The guy (I only found out it was a guy after the fact, not that it matters) in the sedan tapped his horn a couple of times to get her attention, but she never even looked around, she just kept backing up, pretty slowly, but still. The guy in the sedan locks up his horn for at least a full second, the chick in the SUV still doesn't stop, doesn't look in her mirrors, she just keeps talking on the phone. The guy in the sedan must have realized that it was pointless to keep honking, as he then turned to look behind him, and backed quickly out of the way. He honked a couple of more times after she got backed up, but she just put it in gear and drove off.
The guy jumped out of his car at that point and started running towards the SUV, but by then she was on the main street, merrily driving away, having no idea that she nearly just went monster truck on the guy's little car. I went to talk to the guy (who I didn't know, which is odd in this little town), and he asked if I saw what happened. Of course I saw what happened, but there was no collision, thanks to his quick reaction, so there was really nothing that he could do about it.
He did have a great quote though, "what was that bitch thinking?!" Well, if she had been thinking at all, she would have at least checked her mirrors before she started to back out of her parking spaces (yes, she was taking up two spaces with the SUV, well only the size of one parking space but she parked over the center of the dividing line). I asked him if he had insurance, he said that he did, so I asked why he didn't just let her back right up over him (his car being at least fifteen years old). He made a pretty good point, his car was so old that the insurance payment wouldn't be able to replace it, although he did say that he really thought about it.
Maybe the woman in this particular SUV was the exception, maybe the majority of ditzy bitches that drive SUV's while talking on the phone are really good drivers, I dunno. What I do know is that she reinforced the stereotype (deserved or not) that SUV's and cell phones don't mix.
(Libation) Free Baseball Tickets!
This is going to be the first time that I have tried to defend myself when I actually know there is no defense... Since I know that going in you would think that I wouldn't argue it... Damn this blogger script for making posting so simple...
My wife works for a company, I will call it Widgets Inc. That company owns large shares in every damn building in the Phoenix area, or it seems like it anyway. Occasionally they give away their tickets to events through a raffle, such as the V.I.P seating that she won to Ozzfest a couple of years ago, several times she won the "suite tickets" to baseball games (free food, free beer). All good stuff.
This time she won the same suite tickets to the baseball game, nix the alcohol. There is no free beer at the game. You have to watch it, second by second, sober, or likely buy a few beers as the game slowly unfolds...It is slow... The food is still free, the tickets were free, the parking is free. I don't think I really have much of a bitching leg to stand on, but, come on, Baseball without beer? Might as well be figure skating.
Fun With Math Tests
I came across a silly little math test via The Washington Monthly that I simply had to try out. I have not actually done any math in at least a decade, at least not what I would count as math, and supposed that I would bomb this one horribly. It turns out that I am not as bad at this simple stuff as I would have thought.
I only missed one! I was pretty happy about that considering how long it has been since I have actually done math for a reason that didn't involve drug weight conversions or silly video game puzzles. It was only when I went to see what question 6 was that I really started to kick myself in the ass.
The question was:
I have spent too many years in the grocery business to get this one right. The key line in the question, the one that I either missed or ignored was "which represents a 25% profit over the cost". Since I have been in the grocery business so damn long I made the mistake of figuring out 25% profit rather than 25% profit over cost. 25% profit requires 33% mark-up, which is the way I figured it, thus giving me the 29,250 answer. Had I taken a bit more time reading the question I would probably have realized the mistake I was about to make, but I find it humorous that I didn't.
The little test is available here. I found it much easier than I expected, though some of the questions took me a bit of remembering to figure out. I likely wouldn't have posted anything about it at all had it not been for the single question I missed being related to doing only one type of math for eleven years.
Farewell old PC
It was a different time back when I bought that PC. 466mhz was a pretty decent speed for a processor, 32megs of RAM wasn't very good, but was certainly usable. The 4.3gig hard drive was a bit small, but there wasn't that much to put on a PC at the time, what with everyone except college students still barely getting 56k internet connections. Windows 98 was the latest craze when I bought the machine.
That little Emachine held it's own for seven long years. Sure the ram was upgraded from 32 to 256 over time, the hard drive went from 4.3gig to 40gig, a cdrw drive was added, as well as a 32meg Nvidia graphics card, other than that the thing was stock. It was yesterday that I finally had to realize that no amount of TLC could keep it going any longer. The motherboard finally just gave up.
I am not entirely sure what part of the motherboard is bad; the power still comes on, all the drives flash when the power is activated to them, after that there is nothing. No keyboard response, no way to enter BIOS, it won't start from the windows98 cd, it won't boot from a 3.5" floppy, it is just dead this time. Still, it had a pretty good run for a five-hundred dollar investment some seven years ago (I am not going to count the upgrades since they were just necessary to keep the machine usable over time). It was a good PC, I will remember it fondly.
That is the reason why the PC I am currently typing on (purchased slightly over a year ago) is an eMachine, that is also why that was my first choice to replace my fallen comrade. I tried to go through DELL as I did to buy my Mother's PC, but they want $99 for shipping if you spend less than six-hundred dollars now, as opposed to the free shipping if it was over four-hundred a month ago. I tried GATEWAY, but their systems are so horribly overpriced that there was no way I would buy one. So I found myself looking for yet another eMachine.
I went to the same place I bought this one, JR Computer World, to find that they seemed a bit proud of the systems they had for sale as well. It was a trip to the nearby (and accursed) Wal-Mart that finally sealed the deal.
How can the local Wal-Mart sell a 2.0ghz machine, with 512megs of ram, a DVD/CDRW combo drive, a 120gig hard drive, an Nvidia geforce 4 video card (integrated) and a 17" CRT monitor for $574? I don't know, all I do know is that it is a way better system than Dell or Gateway was offering and for a better price. It turns out that the reason Wal-Mart is taking over the world might really be because they offer much better values than anyone else. Who would have thought?
I suppose that if you really only use the PC for internet and email, even possibly occasional free games from POGO or POPCAP, maybe the system that I bought for my Mother would work for you. If, however, you want to be able to play some pretty graphics intensive games (such as Guild Wars), or if you have a lot of photos to store or share, you need a better system, espcially if you have a broadband connection.
I guess I am the odd man out on my system choice. Most people that I talk to say that eMachines are useless junk, I have found that they work far better than any other system I have ever owned. Not to mention that a seven year run on a motherboard is pretty good when it is being used every single day.
One additional bitch about all of the other companies that sell PC's is that if you call them up and ask them what slots are available inside the machine they never know. When I called up eMachines, they sent me the specifications of the inside of the machine, complete with exactly what was installed, which slots were not in use, maximum RAM, maximum processor speed and etc.
Too bad the old PC had to crap out, I had always wondered if I could make it a whole decade before it died.
Video Game Time Sink
Since I got the new Guild Wars game I have been noticing that I have the same 'missing time' issues that I used to have when I originally started playing Diablo 2. I am relatively sure that the time is not actually "missing", it is, rather, horribly spent. Sure the aliens might be abducting me on a nightly basis, the government could be looking into my thoughts with their new satellite technology, but my best guess is that I just get a tad too involved in games, and continue to waste my time on them.
The games don't really even have to be that good for me to get so involved, at least not as far as graphics, since I still waste a hell of a lot of time on BMX Ghost, regardless of the fact that the graphics are twenty years old and the gameplay is damn near impossible. Though I am pretty sure that the fact that it takes less than thirty seconds per game might play into the scenario. Honestly, if you play a game for thirty seconds you have wasted thirty seconds. If you play the same game fifteen or twenty times you have gone to the 4-6 minute range (all of that not counting the loading and multiple clicking required to play again, of course). Now you are near ten minutes into it. Then, if you happen to have the "I will play until I better my score" syndrome, you will never see the light of day again.
My current time sink is related to Guild Wars though. It actually has the graphics to keep you playing. I can only compare the game to Everquest, as I have never played any other MMORPG's, and Guild Wars beats it in every aspect. The gameplay is more fluid, the quests are achievable and you don't have to have a friend (who has already beaten the game) carry you through it. The battles take a lot longer than in Diablo (which is expected since they are in 3-D), but the are way more believable than the fights in Everquest (where two monsters that looked identical could have such different stats that you had to look at them before attacking, else you would die and start all over again, unless you could hire a Ranger to find your body, or a Necromancer to resurrect you).
My current time sink might not be very easy to shake. I like this game as much or more than I used to like DiabloII. It is online only, it is free (less the cost of the game) and it is really sweet with the graphics. It is possible that I will tire of the game over time, which will mean that Diablo II LOD is the current CD in the drive, I dunno, check back in six to eight weeks to find my current time sink.
Have you ever played it? I never had, until just yesterday. Imagine Diablo II, in 3d, without the annoyances of Everquest. I really enjoy this game.
The online play is free, of course, and the graphics are simply amazing. The quests are possible, at least so far, solo or as a group, and the rewards keep the game moving along.
There is not a requirement that you get 6-8 guys, all from the same guild, to do a quest, it is possible even if you have no affiliation. There are a bunch of weird quests that you have to do to improve your armor and the such, but that is all optional (not really if you want to live). This game melds the sprite based Diablo II type game so seamlessly with the EverQuest type game that Iwas amazed at how fluid it was.
The biggest and most persistent complaint about MMORPG's is that they have a level treadmill, meaning that you can only go up in level if the planets all line up just right: You have to be in the right group when the right monster spawns. I know that is true, since I did play everquest. Guild Wars, however has totally shattered that belief.
Each time you leave town the monsters spawn. I am not sure if party size matters, but even if it does, and there is only one of whatever you are trying to find, you could simply go back to town and respawn the zone. If you leave town alone you can still complete the majority of the quests, provided you do them in the correct order.
The good attributes of the 'maphack' that people use on Diablo II are embraced rather than scorned. You can see, at a glance, whether the hunk of crap you are picking up might be usefull, whether it is magical, whether it is a quest item.
The map is displayed on the screen, with unexplored areas blurred out, but, it is displayed, and it shows monsters! Blizzard seems to frown at the thought of showing the monsters prior to them entering the screen, my question is do they assume that a human (with normal vision) can see only in say 1024x768 ressolution, and only in two dimensions? If that is their assumption I have a load of "Star Trek" to watch before I believe that they have a cybergenic leg to stand on.
In summation, Guild Wars good,
Proud to be an American
So it turns out that the state of Mississippi is no longer racist. Really. Check out the headline:
Ex-KKK Member Convicted in 1964 Killings
So, forty-one years after the crime they finally came up with enough evidence to convict one of the killers! That is great news! Unfortunately that is not the news at all. According to the article the same man was tried for the much lesser crime of violating the civil liberties of the victims in 1967 and walked away without a conviction.
I know this all happened a long time ago, at a point where the south was still pretty pissed off about the abolition of slavery and certainly not ready to treat people of color as equals. I will go one step further to say that I don't think they are any better today than they were in the '60s. That being said, you would think that there was some sort of concrete proof in this trial, right? Nope. Most of the people who testified in the '67 trial are dead so their statements, from the court records in that trial, were the only thing that it took to convince a contemporary jury of his guilt.
The thing that really pisses me off is that the asshole isn't being put to death, in fact he was not even convicted of murder. Why? It seems that, " Killen, a bald figure with owlish bifocals, sat impassively in his wheelchair, an oxygen tube up his nose, as he listened to the verdict." Yeah, he is an old dude, he used to be in the KKK, he killed (or had a hand in killing) three people (two white, one black) but, he is/was a preacher, therefore it never really happened? I guess the jury must have conceded that it did happen but would the charges have been reduced to manslaughter if he happened to be younger, or, heaven forbid, a man of color?
Another wonderful quote comes from some guy that doesn't live anywhere near Mississippi (like me), but who also doesn't seem to know the story, "On the one hand, this guy needs to be convicted. And on the other hand, the state needed to present better evidence," said Paprocki, 54, of Philadelphia. Great sentiment, except that they had all of the evidence when the thing went to trial in 1967, since they had to use the testimony of dead people to get a conviction today.
I am just a bit skeptical about whether Mississippi is really trying to show that they are now an equal races state. If they really are, why didn't they try the guy again years ago, you know, before he appeared to be a decrepit old man? Do you think that maybe, just maybe, they were figuring that no jury would convict someone in that condition?
Would you, if you are/were (a la Michael Jackson) not white, be comfortable walking down the streets in any town in Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia or the rest of the deeply racist states after dark? I for one know that I wouldn't be. Hell, I might not even be safe since I am 1/4 Native American, makes for darker skin you know.
As George W. Bush would likely say, "God bless America, and all the white people who live here."
Shitty game still generating feedback
For those of you who may not have read any of my previous posts about it, I made a silly game in Java several years ago. It is called Lightz Out. I ripped off everything about the game directly from a handheld toy called Lights Out, which was manufactured by Tiger toys. When I say that I ripped everything off I mean it quite literally. I copied all fifty of the boards (which was quite a challenge, as it required that I solve them all), the audio on the applet was recorded directly from the game, I even programmed the same first two moves for help.
I did that all just to see if I could. I am not a programmer by any stretch of the imagination. In fact I knew so little about how to do it that everything that happens in the game is handled in the paint method. That meant that I actually programmed probably at least a thousand lines of code that would not have been necessary had I actually known what I was doing. But, I did make it work, and people are still playing it, and emailing me about it. I doubt that will happen for very much longer though, as even on my PC it is no longer playable, since everything is happening in the paint method, and since this computer is so much faster than the one I used to program it, the lines all blur when I try to screen it into the picture, and they never come back. I guess if I was viewing it in larger resolution that wouldn't happen, but even at that I would probably go blind from the incessant flickering.
Usually when people email me about the applet it is because they have to program something for a computer science course in college and want to see the source code. I am almost embarrassed to send it to them, even when I do it is with a huge caveat. They still probably just look at it and wonder what in the hell I was thinking when I tried to do it the way I did, that is what I think when I look at it most of the time.
The most recent email I got about the game was yesterday. This one was unique in that the person enjoyed the game, but thought that I had made it far too easy. He was wanting to know if I had plans to add more difficult boards. I sent him a lengthy email that basically said no. The entire point of the applet was to see if I could make an exact online copy of the handheld game. I succeeded in that (well to a point, as it doesn't seem to work all that well with faster computers) and have no intentions to ever look at the source code again, it depresses me.
The next thing that I decided to program in java was a cribbage game. I got as far getting images for all of the cards into it and the initial deal. It was at precisely that point that I realized I would have to program AI for it so that you could play it alone. This meant two things, first the computer would only be as good as I am at cribbage, as I would be programming his choices based on the cards he was holding. Second, there are 14,658,134,400 different ways the six cards can be dealt to the computer, that is a lot of possible hands to program. Even after assigning numbers to the cards based on suit, possible 15s, possible flush and possible run, then making it line up the cards based on the highest possible point value, I was still left with millions of possible combinations to program. Not that I am a quitter or anything, I didn't actually give up on it, no, no, I have just put it on the back burner for the last five years... I wonder if I actually even have a copy of the source to that one anywhere, the unfinished code for that one was at least five times the size of the finished code for lightz out.
Let this be a lesson to
Seeing the ease with which Flux over at BlackChampagne was able to integrate a blogger script into his existing page, I thought I would give it a try as well. It turns out that the ease of which I speak is not really easy, more a long and labor intensive game of guess and check (within reason) until things look more or less like you want them to.
I lost a few early attempts due to sheer idiocy, but I think this version is pretty stable and looks almost exactly like the previous page. Time will tell, as always. If you are reading this it is because I asked you to look at the page and tell me if you noticed any problems, if you do notice any problems (not counting the date being centered in the table instead of on the page type problems) please do comment about it.
Hopefully I will be confident enough with this setup to get it activated on the front page tomorrow. Notice the sheer confidence in that statement?
Does it really work?
In this age of information and technology, I am left to wonder if a damn bit of it really works. It is in that spirit that I test my own blogger page before I even think about posting it.
That is all.
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Site design was stolen directly from Blackchampagne.