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Latest Humorous T-shirt Slogan:
"You Wish!"
This one has to be taken in context to be appreciated. The girl wearing this belly shirt was maybe 5'0" tall, with a muffin top going on, despite the fact that she was clearly in her third trimester of pregnancy. In addition she was wearing a thong that came up past her low-rise jeans and pushed her muffin top down over the edge to really emphasize the roll. I'm not in perfect shape so I don't expect that others should be, but when you are wearing that shirt, along with the rest of the outfit, you open yourself to scrutiny (and perhaps random looks of horror).

It's fun to hate:
The Soccer Moms who insist that they drive gas-guzzling SUV's for the safety of their children despite the fact that they are 6 times more likely to be in a rollover accident than any other vehicle. It's like beating your child unconscious with the butt of your gun so that he will remain on the floor, thus making him less likely to be hit by a random bullet coming through the front window.

When Shadowtwin reigns supreme:
There will be mandatory, passive birth control required to participate in any form of government assistance. If you can't afford to raise your child on your own we are here to help you, but we must first make sure that your reproductive organs are adequately contained. If you don't like that policy all you have to do is support your kids your damn self!
Vote Shadowtwin!

Wildly inaccurate, yet shockingly precise, predictions based completely on happenstance and arbitrary universal fluctuations.
Your Horoscope:

Sagitarius: 11/22-12/21
A typographical error in your Church's newsletter will lead to you performing sex acts on dozens of anonymous strangers in your pursuit of "oral highground."

Capricorn: 12/22-1/19
The stars did recently tell your wife to "listen to her heart" regarding whether or not she should leave you. The stars did not intend for you to listen to her heart. But once you used that bonesaw on her sternum (not trusting the stethoscope which just responded with a cryptic thumping sound), we're pretty sure she made up her mind anyway.

Aquarius: 1/20-2/18
The stars would like to apologize for stating in their last prophecy, "Be wary of the stranger you meet at beach this weekend. The stars aren't sure why, but they don't trust him." Through a cosmic hiccup, that information was supposed to be released this month. The August prophecy should have read, "A dark and handsome stranger will approach you on the beach, profess his love for you, and sweep you away for a jetset marriage. After which you will lead a long, happy, prosperous, healthy life as the Queen of a small island nation." We apologize for any inconvenience this error may have caused.

Pisces: 2/19-3/20
Your new stopwatch will allow you to time how long you can hold your breath underwater down to the thousandth of a second. Unfortunately, poor planning will mean that you are not able to actually share the information with anyone.

Aries: 3/21-4/19
Your innovative new device for beauticians to use while giving pedicures can be wildly successful and make you quite wealthy IF you change the name. Trust us, no one is going to buy a "Ped-O-File".

Taurus: 4/20-5/20
Your Mother always told you to wear clean underwear just in case there was an accident and paramadics had to see them. But as you board that plane today, the stars want you to know that you needn't worry about it. The debris field will be more than 8 square miles, making it impossible to find most human remains. Not to mention that the ensuing fire burned so hot that it disintegrated not only all fabric, but most of the thin metals aboard as well.

Gemini: 5/21-6/21
You just had to get that genital piercing, didn't you? The stars tried to warn you not to, but you went ahead and did it anyway... Now all your worst fears will come to bear when, at a campground this weekend, you run afoul of this guy:

Cancer: 6/22-7/22
The less traveled by areas of the Grand Canyon's north rim offer some of the most breathtaking views of this natural wonder. You will soon find out they also include some of the worst footings and none of the handrails. They do, however, provide equally awe-inspiring, terminal velocity impacts.

Leo: 7/23-8/22
The stars heard your pleas, begging for someone who you could share your love with and embrace for the rest of your life. If you are still single, throw your arms around the closest person to you at 3:44pm GMT on Dcember 9th -That'll be the one. Trust us, you won't have time to be picky...

Virgo: 8/23-9/22
The stars have piled up most of your things on the front porch. You can stay at a friend's house, but you aren't coming back home until you admit what you did and apologize. The stars' Mother was right about you... (you must have really pissed them off; the stars were in tears while they told me this)

Libra: 9/23-10/22
The stars have been doing a little thinking and a lot of math. The population of planet earth is roughly 6,796,590,704. That means that roughly 566,382,558 people share each astrological sign. About 18,620,796 have the same birthday. Based on average life expectancy as many as 248,277 people were born on the same day, in the same year, for every zodiac sign. How can one statement possibly predict the future of all of them? Ehh, fuck it. "A full moon while Venus is rising is an omen of good things to come."

Scorpio: 10/23-11/21
They say you never know how you are going to react to a crisis. After a home invasion this weekend you will: You will scream, "Do whatever you want to my wife, but leave me alone!" You will then create a distraction by throwing your newborn at the assailant as you dive through the window to safety. Now you know.

Music lost to history:

Aerosmith - Dream On When I started doing these, I could never have imagined that I would be putting an Aerosmith song here. Since I was born in 1974, this song is well before my generation. It was recorded in 1972 and released in 1983 on Aerosmith's Self-Titled Album, but to read the information on it at Wikipedia most of us would become familiar with it from a re-release in 1976.

Like most of the music being released in the late 60's/early 70's that was pushing the rock-n-roll envelope, Dream On relies heavily on solid composition and and melody. Before the era of the modern effects processor, these bands had no distortion to hide behind (or very little), and synthesized instruments hadn't yet made their way into music. In that way the music always sounds more raw to us today because, quite simply, it was. While it seems laughable to think about today, music like this was so far removed from the bubble-gum pop of the 50's that it still wasn't accepted into the mainstream. As the baby-boomers became the target demographic, the rock-n-roll movement really started to pick up speed, with bands like Led Zeppelin and Aerosmith clearing the path for the much darker and heavier bands like Black Sabbath.

While I (and most of my generation) are probably far more familiar with the Aerosmith of the late 80's and early 90's, the reason this song makes it onto my MLtH page comes down to one thing: Age. Not necessarily the age of the song; In fact, as I sat down to do the research for this today, I had no idea when it was released, but would have guessed (closely) the mid 70's. Tyler was born March 26, 1948, meaning that this song was written when he was only 24 years old. I'm not sure why, but I have always thought this song was pretty amazing given his age at composition. I suppose it is human nature to wax poetic about the days of yore and the imminent passage of time, but the melody sets a mood that makes you feel it right along with him. As the song nears the end and his lyrics become more more frenzied, you can almost feel the pain (longing?) in his voice. Listen to it with headphones and no distraction sometime, you'll see what I mean.

I wrote a short bit some time ago about Kelly Sweet's cover of this song (see the video on Youtube). While I have since gotten over the initial hatred I felt towards the cover of the song, I still just can't like it. The words are there; she hits the notes; but I just can't hear it in her voice. As if there is somthing very personal about the song and Tyler's deliverance of the lyrics that just can't be duplicated. At least to me.

That said, I have heard Aerosmith doing the song with an orchestra, and it also seems to lack the passion of the original. So perhaps the thing that I like so much about it is the under-produced, raw sound of it, or it may be that I am still hearing it through the ears of that impressionable youth that heard if for the first time in a dusty old Van with my Uncle Art. Either way, it seems it is Lost to History.

Music Lost to History Archive

I Can't Believe it's Not Porn!
WhorePresents.comYep, it's not porn. It's not a site with gifts for sale either, which is probably a good thing since I can't imagine that any woman would be at all flattered to get a gift -no matter how nice- in a box that says "Whore" on it.

Daily Reading:
Magazine Man
Shane Nickerson
Wil Wheaton
Hoyazo's Poker Blog

My reading list changes from time to time, and there are many sites that I visit that are not on the list. They are listed in the order that I visit them, enjoy!

Locations of visitors to this page

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours? February 2006

Monday, February 20, 2006

Who knew?

I am 31 years old, less than six months from 32. It turns out that while I have never worn glasses I may have needed them for a lot of those 31 years.

I have never had an actual eye exam, the closest I ever have had is one of those things they do in grade school where you have to tell them which way the "E" is pointing on the chart. I haven't even had one of those since I was in the seventh grade, and I cheated on that one to make sure I wouldn't have to get glasses. Yes, I cheated on an eye exam, how sad is that.

It was really their fault that I cheated on the exam though. They lined all of the kids up against the wall right next to the chart, then had us go up to the line and read off the symbols one by one. Even though I was the third or fourth kid to go I already had the chart memorized. I was therefore able to skate right through the test without really even looking at the chart. I can't honestly say whether or not I was able to make out the symbols since I knew what order they were in; When you know that letter is an "E" your eyes see an "E".

Even the charts that they have hanging in the optometrists office are kind of a scam. Tell me if this looks familiar:








(You will have to alter the distance you stand from your monitor for this to work for personal eye exam purposes.) Yes, the chart is the same in every office. No, I didn't know it all from memory, I had to look up the last two lines on google. Granted they don't use this as the basis for what kind of vision correction you require, but they do use it as a general guide to how poor your vision is. Also they have numerous charts that they show you when you are actually getting an eye exam.

I had an eye exam last Monday for the first time ever. So how poor was my vision? I was only able to make it through the first five lines, the ones that I have memorized, mind you. Then Mr. Doctor Dude put that big, fancy machine on my head and, wow, holy bejeezes, I could see! And that was him just guessing where the little machine needed to be, twenty minutes of tweaking and I was able to read the fine print on lawyers commercials from thirty yards (just kidding, NO ONE has vision that good).

I kind of figured that I needed glasses, that is why I went to a local guy where I knew they would take a few days to arrive: I didn't want to walk in with (what I thought was) normal vision only to walk out with glasses. I wanted to have a bit of time to get used to the idea of it. As the week passed I found myself thinking that maybe my eyes were just tired or blurry when I had the exam, my eyes were just fine. Until I actually tried the glasses on. Yep, that was when I knew that I really needed the damn things. Who knew?

I suppose it is sort of like an epiphany to everyone when they finally get vision correction: Trees have outlines, they don't just blur into the sky; The road should be a road all the way to the horizon, not just an increasingly blurry black stripe; It is possible to read the license plate of the car in front of you from a couple of car lengths back; It is really amazing all the little things that I am noticing while sporting these marvelous glasses.

I really wonder though if my vision has been getting worse at such a slow pace that I never noticed it, or if I have always had bad vision and never knew it. I can't remember ever wanting to look at things for the sake of seeing what they looked like. I am sure that I did it as a child, but did I actually see the detail? I really don't know.

How I wish I would have done this years ago.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

A lesson learned

So you know how when you call any form of technical support line they treat you like you are about three years old -and stupid for that age-? Turns out they do it for a pretty good reason.

I am pretty good with Windows, not in the I can use a computer sort of way, but in the diagnosing problems with hardware/software sort of way. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself when I have to start screwing with the BIOS, but I do it when I have to (on my own machine at least) and nearly always have good results (not counting the time when my mom's pc had a boot sector virus and I just gave up and bought her a new machine).

I am familiar enough with Windows 95, 98 and XP that I can usually troubleshoot problems and repair them over the phone (that being software/driver type problems, not major problems). I was trying to help a guy out with what I thought was a software related problem just yesterday.

Microsoft recently released an update for the Windows Media Player, it totally fucked up the microphone on my machine. Well, technically it didn't fuck up the microphone, it just made it so that I wasn't able to use it with the program that I wanted to use it with (teamspeak being the program). For unknown reasons the update set all my settings back to default, thus not using the sound card that I had installed recently, and also for unknown reasons it set my mic volume all the way down and my line in volume all the way up. Yay Microsoft! I was able to solve the problem on my own machine in about ten minutes.

There was another guy playing the game I was playing who also was having problems with his microphone. I had never talked to him before, as he was new to our group, but I assumed that his problem was the same as the problem that I was having. I walked him through all the steps that I took on my machine to get it working, but his still wouldn't work. After about fifteen minutes of text chat trying to fix the software problem I decided to ask a few different questions.

I had him run a mic test on his pc, which was not able to detect a voice at all. I asked him to check where he had the mic plugged in (a lot of people mistakenly plug it into the line out slot), which was correct. Then I asked him if he was sure that the microphone worked, which, as it turns out, is the question I should have asked first. He plugged in a different microphone and it all worked just fine.

I am telling myself that the other steps were necessary anyway, though I really don't know if they were; his settings all seemed correct as I was walking him through it. At any rate it was a lesson learned. There is a pretty good reason why the technical support people think that you are stupid, usually you are.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Random stuff for no damn reason

As the title would suggest, this will be a collection of assorted bullshit. Your entertainment value may vary, act accordingly.

First up is a cute little instructional video that I found on the internet. It is quite helpful in defining what exactly constitutes sexual harassment in the workplace. It starts out seeming almost real, but a little too real, sort of like the old energizer commercials where you think it is a spoof but aren't quite sure. About midway through the video there is no longer any doubt about its intentions, and as such it isn't really the type of thing you should be watching at work, unless your boss happens to be harassing you, in which case it could be educational for the both of you -providing you don't get fired-. Linkage here, please enjoy the show.

Secondly I have an observation about human nature and Wal-Mart. The human nature part is in getting a refund for a light bulb that was the wrong size. The bulb cost $5.74, and was six inches too long for my purposes. The correct bulb was $5.64, so only a dime in difference. How long did it take to get the dime back? Just under an hour.

See, the human nature wanted to get my money back since the bulb didn't fit. But Wal-Mart's corporate structure has gone to extraordinary lengths to ensure that they give as few refunds as possible. After all, who in their right mind would stand in line for an hour to get back a dime (that is sort of rhetorical at this point)? I didn't even care about the dime, I just wanted the other light bulb. I though about just putting the little pink return sticker on the bulb I needed and walking out the door, but can you imagine the embarrassment if they had actually stopped me at the door? It sure would suck to get arrested for shoplifting when I was just trying to get the bulb that fit.

I really should have just bought the other bulb and given up on the refund of the first one. $5.74 is really not all that much money, anyone's time is worth more than that, that is why we have a minimum wage after all. But you know how it is once you get into that line; either morbid fascination or a need for closure keep you there no matter what. I walked away with my dime and a sense of self-accomplishment. It takes a great man to waste an hour of his life for a dime!

Finally, and somewhat Wal-Mart (or any shopping center) related. Why is it that some people will drive around a parking lot for ten minutes looking for a parking space that is closer to the door? In order for that to make any sense at all I would have to be able to find a space about a half a mile closer to the entrance (I walk about five miles an hour at normal walking pace, which is why my wife and I rarely go shopping together; she has to run to keep up). Are people really that lazy? Again, that is probably rhetorical.

I have my own technique for finding a parking space. I pick the one closest to the cart return. Most people don't like to park near the cart return for fear of damaging their precious car. My precious car is ten years old and already dented and dinged so I don't really give a shit. I am also one of the seemingly rare people that actually return the cart to the designated corral before leaving. If I parked closer to the store I would probably have to push the cart all the way back to the entrance before I could leave, parking near the cart return gets me out of there a lot faster. Also, the farther away from the entrance you park the less foot traffic you will have to contend with. Seriously, parking further from the entrance and close to a cart return saves a hell of a lot of time, but don't tell anyone, I don't want everyone to know the secret. Of course most people are too lazy to spend the minute to walk to the door anyway so I guess I am in no trouble.


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