Latest Humorous T-shirt Slogan:
This one has to be taken in context to be appreciated. The girl wearing this belly shirt was maybe 5'0" tall, with a muffin top going on, despite the fact that she was clearly in her third trimester of pregnancy. In addition she was wearing a thong that came up past her low-rise jeans and pushed her muffin top down over the edge to really emphasize the roll. I'm not in perfect shape so I don't expect that others should be, but when you are wearing that shirt, along with the rest of the outfit, you open yourself to scrutiny (and perhaps random looks of horror).
It's fun to hate:
When Shadowtwin reigns supreme:
A typographical error in your Church's newsletter will lead to you performing sex acts on dozens of anonymous strangers in your pursuit of "oral highground."
The stars did recently tell your wife to "listen to her heart" regarding whether or not she should leave you. The stars did not intend for you to listen to her heart. But once you used that bonesaw on her sternum (not trusting the stethoscope which just responded with a cryptic thumping sound), we're pretty sure she made up her mind anyway.
The stars would like to apologize for stating in their last prophecy, "Be wary of the stranger you meet at beach this weekend. The stars aren't sure why, but they don't trust him." Through a cosmic hiccup, that information was supposed to be released this month. The August prophecy should have read, "A dark and handsome stranger will approach you on the beach, profess his love for you, and sweep you away for a jetset marriage. After which you will lead a long, happy, prosperous, healthy life as the Queen of a small island nation." We apologize for any inconvenience this error may have caused.
Your new stopwatch will allow you to time how long you can hold your breath underwater down to the thousandth of a second. Unfortunately, poor planning will mean that you are not able to actually share the information with anyone.
Your innovative new device for beauticians to use while giving pedicures can be wildly successful and make you quite wealthy IF you change the name. Trust us, no one is going to buy a "Ped-O-File".
Your Mother always told you to wear clean underwear just in case there was an accident and paramadics had to see them. But as you board that plane today, the stars want you to know that you needn't worry about it. The debris field will be more than 8 square miles, making it impossible to find most human remains. Not to mention that the ensuing fire burned so hot that it disintegrated not only all fabric, but most of the thin metals aboard as well.
You just had to get that genital piercing, didn't you? The stars tried to warn you not to, but you went ahead and did it anyway... Now all your worst fears will come to bear when, at a campground this weekend, you run afoul of this guy:
The less traveled by areas of the Grand Canyon's north rim offer some of the most breathtaking views of this natural wonder. You will soon find out they also include some of the worst footings and none of the handrails. They do, however, provide equally awe-inspiring, terminal velocity impacts.
The stars heard your pleas, begging for someone who you could share your love with and embrace for the rest of your life. If you are still single, throw your arms around the closest person to you at 3:44pm GMT on Dcember 9th -That'll be the one. Trust us, you won't have time to be picky...
The stars have piled up most of your things on the front porch. You can stay at a friend's house, but you aren't coming back home until you admit what you did and apologize. The stars' Mother was right about you... (you must have really pissed them off; the stars were in tears while they told me this)
The stars have been doing a little thinking and a lot of math. The population of planet earth is roughly 6,796,590,704. That means that roughly 566,382,558 people share each astrological sign. About 18,620,796 have the same birthday. Based on average life expectancy as many as 248,277 people were born on the same day, in the same year, for every zodiac sign. How can one statement possibly predict the future of all of them? Ehh, fuck it. "A full moon while Venus is rising is an omen of good things to come."
They say you never know how you are going to react to a crisis. After a home invasion this weekend you will: You will scream, "Do whatever you want to my wife, but leave me alone!" You will then create a distraction by throwing your newborn at the assailant as you dive through the window to safety. Now you know.
Music lost to history:
Aerosmith - Dream On When I started doing these, I could never have imagined that I would be putting an Aerosmith song here. Since I was born in 1974, this song is well before my generation. It was recorded in 1972 and released in 1983 on Aerosmith's Self-Titled Album, but to read the information on it at Wikipedia most of us would become familiar with it from a re-release in 1976.
Like most of the music being released in the late 60's/early 70's that was pushing the rock-n-roll envelope, Dream
On relies heavily on solid composition and and melody. Before the era of the modern effects processor, these bands
had no distortion to hide behind (or very little), and synthesized instruments hadn't yet made their way into music. In
that way the music always sounds more raw to us today because, quite simply, it was. While it seems laughable to think
about today, music like this was so far removed from the bubble-gum pop of the 50's that it still wasn't accepted into the
mainstream. As the baby-boomers became the target demographic, the rock-n-roll movement really started to pick up speed,
with bands like Led Zeppelin and Aerosmith clearing the path for the much darker and heavier bands like Black
While I (and most of my generation) are probably far more familiar with the Aerosmith of the late 80's and early 90's, the
reason this song makes it onto my MLtH page comes down to one thing: Age. Not necessarily the age of the song; In fact,
as I sat down to do the research for this today, I had no idea when it was released, but would have guessed (closely) the
mid 70's. Tyler was born March 26, 1948, meaning that this song was written when he was only 24 years old. I'm not sure
why, but I have always thought this song was pretty amazing given his age at composition. I suppose it is human nature to
wax poetic about the days of yore and the imminent passage of time, but the melody sets a mood that makes you feel it
right along with him. As the song nears the end and his lyrics become more more frenzied, you can almost feel the pain
(longing?) in his voice. Listen to it with headphones and no distraction sometime, you'll see what I mean.
I wrote a short bit some time ago about Kelly Sweet's cover of this
song (see the video on Youtube). While I have since gotten over
the initial hatred I felt towards the cover of the song, I still just can't like it. The words are there; she hits the
notes; but I just can't hear it in her voice. As if there is somthing very personal about the song and Tyler's
deliverance of the lyrics that just can't be duplicated. At least to me.
That said, I have heard Aerosmith doing the song with an orchestra, and it also seems to lack the passion of the original.
So perhaps the thing that I like so much about it is the under-produced, raw sound of it, or it may be that I am still
hearing it through the ears of that impressionable youth that heard if for the first time in a dusty old Van with my Uncle
Art. Either way, it seems it is Lost to History.
I Can't Believe it's Not Porn!
WhorePresents.comYep, it's not porn. It's not a site with gifts for sale either, which is probably a good thing since I can't imagine that any woman would be at all flattered to get a gift -no matter how nice- in a box that says "Whore Presents.com" on it.
My reading list changes from time to time, and there are many sites that I visit that are not on the list.
They are listed in the order that I visit them, enjoy!
Well, it has been a while since I have thrown anything up over here, so here goes.
Being unemployed is a lot of work.
I have been taking the time to do some stuff around the house that I should have done years ago. Not little things like taking out the trash either, I am talking major construction projects. In the past week or so I have re-tiled the floor in the Arizona room, replaced the plumbing in the entire house, installed a garbage disposal, installed a new water purifier, added electrical outlets in the kitchen, replaced rotting lumber under the kitchen sink, replaced the kitchen sink, installed a new vanity, faucet and medicine cabinet in the bathroom, replaced the light fixture there as well, re-tiled the floor in half of the bathroom as well as painting it, removed the tile and old lumber from around the bathtub, put new lumber around the back of the tub, and probably a bunch of other stuff that doesn't come to mind immediately. Oh yeah, I also had to re-route some of the plumbing so that I could put the washer and dryer together in the corner of the back room. Oh, and I serviced our evaporative cooler.
Anyway, I have found a lot of stuff to keep me busy while I anxiously wait for calls about the various jobs I have applied for. Truth be told, I didn't even start applying for them until Monday, since I was going to take a week off anyway (not likely to get a vacation this year). I did do a resume thing on Monster.com though, so I actually had an interview on Monday for a job that I never applied for.
The interview was at a place called 84 Lumber, which I had never heard of, but it is a 3.6 billion dollar a year business. The job was not what I was looking for; since I was not willing to relocate I would not have been able to get the management position. There is no way I am going to take another grunt job. I am far too experienced and getting a bit too old for that.
Well, that's it for now. Check back another day for more
Well, I always knew that it was going to happen eventually. Today became that day. After yet another bitching session at work, I grabbed my cigarettes and walked out the door. I doubt I will ever walk through those doors again.
That answers the question though. It turns out that I can be treated like a doormat for about twelve years before I have had enough. Or, to be more precise, I can be treated like a doormat for about three months without using alcohol as an escape. Now I know.
Time to start looking for another job.
If you could only see
While on my way to Coolidge today I was flipping through the radio stations looking for one that didn't have a commercial on. That is usually a fruitless effort as there seems to be some sort of FCC rule that they all go on commercial break at the same time, that or the stations do it on purpose since you are less likely to switch the station if they are all on commercial break. I got no idea.
Imagine my surprise to find that there was actually a song playing on Mix 96.9 the best mix of the '80's, '90's and today. It happened to be the Whitesnake song Here I Go Again, which I was a huge fan of back in the day. I cranked the radio up to 28 (that is not an exaggeration. For some reason these new-fangled stereos don't think 10 is a high enough number), which is about as far as I can get it without it turning into a horrible, crackling cacophony.
I only caught the last minute or so of the song; just long enough to do some of the worst karaoke you would ever care to hear, but thankfully won't have to. While the radio went to commercial I found myself thinking of the time I was in when that song was popular. I was thinking about those awkward days of High School, trying to fit in with the "cool kids", but still too young to realize that the "cool kids" were really just doing their best to fit in as well.
I thought about all of those times when I was really in love, for sure this time, only to be let down a week later when some guy with a cooler car came along. Here I Go Again would be forever in my tape deck, "'cause I know what it means to walk along this lonely street of dreams." It was usually replaced fairly quickly with Is This Love?, since the average lifespan of any relationship or lack thereof seem to be inexplicably linked.
I suppose I should be thankful that my memory (everyone's?) has a way sugar-coating a lot of the time I spent being on the wrong end of a relationship. Well that's not true, I still remember it with crystal clarity but time has faded the emotion of it. I can now listen to all of those old songs and think of nothing but happy memories, well mostly anyway. I still have a song that runs through my head on occasion that makes me sad; it's more just a melody with the only line being "Your greatest legacy is the song that I can't write". A song that I have tried, many times, to write in memory of my father, but can't complete, probably never will.
When the radio finally came out of commercial break I was instantly torn from that time in my life to a time much more recent.
After my parents divorced I made a decision that I wasn't going to get married, so when I began living with my
So, as I was listening to, and singing along with, Tonic's song If You Could Only See, I was taken back to that time. A time that is also pretty far back, but a time that still has a lot of emotion. All good emotion.
The thing about that song is that I really don't know what exactly it was intended to mean. I know what it means to me, what I have made it mean to me, but the actual lyrics don't really mesh with what it has become to me. To me it is an anthem singing the praise of my love for my wife, that is all that really matters I suppose.
The song was still in my head as I came into the house today, and as such I did a little thing that I do from time to time. It is a silly little thing that I do, I just look in my wallet to make sure that it is still there. She gave it to me so many years ago, you see, long before we got married. Being the sap that I am I have kept it in my wallet ever since. So from time to time, though usually when I am feeling down, I take it out and look at it, it is amazing how much better it can make me feel. While it is nothing of any value, it is the most precious thing that she has given me.
It has become a bit tattered over the years (something that the scan of it doesn't really show), but it still means as much to me as it did the day she gave it to me. I am not sure if she knew that it would become so important to me, but I suppose we all put different sentimental values on all the things around us. To me this is everything.
Usually I look at it, then the song comes to mind. Today I heard the song and the card came to mind. But that was good, it has been far too long since I have taken it out just to look at it. Far too long since I have had the line "If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says she loves me" stuck in my head.
Really, how often can you look at something so simple and feel like the luckiest man on earth?
"If you could only see the way she loves me, Then maybe you would understand".
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