Latest Humorous T-shirt Slogan:
This one has to be taken in context to be appreciated. The girl wearing this belly shirt was maybe 5'0" tall, with a muffin top going on, despite the fact that she was clearly in her third trimester of pregnancy. In addition she was wearing a thong that came up past her low-rise jeans and pushed her muffin top down over the edge to really emphasize the roll. I'm not in perfect shape so I don't expect that others should be, but when you are wearing that shirt, along with the rest of the outfit, you open yourself to scrutiny (and perhaps random looks of horror).
It's fun to hate:
When Shadowtwin reigns supreme:
A typographical error in your Church's newsletter will lead to you performing sex acts on dozens of anonymous strangers in your pursuit of "oral highground."
The stars did recently tell your wife to "listen to her heart" regarding whether or not she should leave you. The stars did not intend for you to listen to her heart. But once you used that bonesaw on her sternum (not trusting the stethoscope which just responded with a cryptic thumping sound), we're pretty sure she made up her mind anyway.
The stars would like to apologize for stating in their last prophecy, "Be wary of the stranger you meet at beach this weekend. The stars aren't sure why, but they don't trust him." Through a cosmic hiccup, that information was supposed to be released this month. The August prophecy should have read, "A dark and handsome stranger will approach you on the beach, profess his love for you, and sweep you away for a jetset marriage. After which you will lead a long, happy, prosperous, healthy life as the Queen of a small island nation." We apologize for any inconvenience this error may have caused.
Your new stopwatch will allow you to time how long you can hold your breath underwater down to the thousandth of a second. Unfortunately, poor planning will mean that you are not able to actually share the information with anyone.
Your innovative new device for beauticians to use while giving pedicures can be wildly successful and make you quite wealthy IF you change the name. Trust us, no one is going to buy a "Ped-O-File".
Your Mother always told you to wear clean underwear just in case there was an accident and paramadics had to see them. But as you board that plane today, the stars want you to know that you needn't worry about it. The debris field will be more than 8 square miles, making it impossible to find most human remains. Not to mention that the ensuing fire burned so hot that it disintegrated not only all fabric, but most of the thin metals aboard as well.
You just had to get that genital piercing, didn't you? The stars tried to warn you not to, but you went ahead and did it anyway... Now all your worst fears will come to bear when, at a campground this weekend, you run afoul of this guy:
The less traveled by areas of the Grand Canyon's north rim offer some of the most breathtaking views of this natural wonder. You will soon find out they also include some of the worst footings and none of the handrails. They do, however, provide equally awe-inspiring, terminal velocity impacts.
The stars heard your pleas, begging for someone who you could share your love with and embrace for the rest of your life. If you are still single, throw your arms around the closest person to you at 3:44pm GMT on Dcember 9th -That'll be the one. Trust us, you won't have time to be picky...
The stars have piled up most of your things on the front porch. You can stay at a friend's house, but you aren't coming back home until you admit what you did and apologize. The stars' Mother was right about you... (you must have really pissed them off; the stars were in tears while they told me this)
The stars have been doing a little thinking and a lot of math. The population of planet earth is roughly 6,796,590,704. That means that roughly 566,382,558 people share each astrological sign. About 18,620,796 have the same birthday. Based on average life expectancy as many as 248,277 people were born on the same day, in the same year, for every zodiac sign. How can one statement possibly predict the future of all of them? Ehh, fuck it. "A full moon while Venus is rising is an omen of good things to come."
They say you never know how you are going to react to a crisis. After a home invasion this weekend you will: You will scream, "Do whatever you want to my wife, but leave me alone!" You will then create a distraction by throwing your newborn at the assailant as you dive through the window to safety. Now you know.
Music lost to history:
Aerosmith - Dream On When I started doing these, I could never have imagined that I would be putting an Aerosmith song here. Since I was born in 1974, this song is well before my generation. It was recorded in 1972 and released in 1983 on Aerosmith's Self-Titled Album, but to read the information on it at Wikipedia most of us would become familiar with it from a re-release in 1976.
Like most of the music being released in the late 60's/early 70's that was pushing the rock-n-roll envelope, Dream
On relies heavily on solid composition and and melody. Before the era of the modern effects processor, these bands
had no distortion to hide behind (or very little), and synthesized instruments hadn't yet made their way into music. In
that way the music always sounds more raw to us today because, quite simply, it was. While it seems laughable to think
about today, music like this was so far removed from the bubble-gum pop of the 50's that it still wasn't accepted into the
mainstream. As the baby-boomers became the target demographic, the rock-n-roll movement really started to pick up speed,
with bands like Led Zeppelin and Aerosmith clearing the path for the much darker and heavier bands like Black
While I (and most of my generation) are probably far more familiar with the Aerosmith of the late 80's and early 90's, the
reason this song makes it onto my MLtH page comes down to one thing: Age. Not necessarily the age of the song; In fact,
as I sat down to do the research for this today, I had no idea when it was released, but would have guessed (closely) the
mid 70's. Tyler was born March 26, 1948, meaning that this song was written when he was only 24 years old. I'm not sure
why, but I have always thought this song was pretty amazing given his age at composition. I suppose it is human nature to
wax poetic about the days of yore and the imminent passage of time, but the melody sets a mood that makes you feel it
right along with him. As the song nears the end and his lyrics become more more frenzied, you can almost feel the pain
(longing?) in his voice. Listen to it with headphones and no distraction sometime, you'll see what I mean.
I wrote a short bit some time ago about Kelly Sweet's cover of this
song (see the video on Youtube). While I have since gotten over
the initial hatred I felt towards the cover of the song, I still just can't like it. The words are there; she hits the
notes; but I just can't hear it in her voice. As if there is somthing very personal about the song and Tyler's
deliverance of the lyrics that just can't be duplicated. At least to me.
That said, I have heard Aerosmith doing the song with an orchestra, and it also seems to lack the passion of the original.
So perhaps the thing that I like so much about it is the under-produced, raw sound of it, or it may be that I am still
hearing it through the ears of that impressionable youth that heard if for the first time in a dusty old Van with my Uncle
Art. Either way, it seems it is Lost to History.
I Can't Believe it's Not Porn!
WhorePresents.comYep, it's not porn. It's not a site with gifts for sale either, which is probably a good thing since I can't imagine that any woman would be at all flattered to get a gift -no matter how nice- in a box that says "Whore Presents.com" on it.
My reading list changes from time to time, and there are many sites that I visit that are not on the list.
They are listed in the order that I visit them, enjoy!
The most coolest music jobby thing ever
My daily surfing routine brought me to this link. At Wil Wheaton's site, of all places. Now this is a concept! Just type in the name of a band or a song and boom, they start throwing all sorts of shit at you! All similar to the style (I suppose the definition of style is pretty loose) of music that you entered. If you hate a song you can just move on and they will try to find something more suited to your taste.
The type of music that I like doesn't lend itself to any sort of radio airplay, and I don't have the time or patience to seek it out on the internet. This little thing makes it a lot easier. Now I sincerely doubt that I will actually subscribe to it, but being that the first ten hours are free I will sure try to find some cool new (no matter how old they are they are still new to me) bands while I am at it.
The service is freakily accurate. I have now listened to ten songs, only once did I actually have to do a WTF and nix the song. Not to mention that about half of the songs that they played are actually somewhere in my CD collection. It puts me in mind of when I started my very first website, which, oddly enough, is still online (if you really want to see it I will email you the link). I put one of those radio stations onto it, this was back when they actually let you select bands that you wanted to be played on the station. The dead link to that web radio station still exists on that website. It turns out that someone (probably Lars Ulrich) got all in a huff about being able to select only certain bands to play, thought it was infringing on copyrights and the such, thus they had to give up on letting you select bands. Those stations still exist, but now you can only select from a genre. What a pile of something.
This Pandora thing has already given me the names of a few bands that I would like to sample additional music from. The first was The Haunted. Man, they do some really heavy stuff. There have been a couple that I have yet to find websites for, but it is hard to find this kind of heavy shit on the radio. I just heard, in succession, a song from Death, followed by one from Metallica (Dyer's Eve, you know, one of the good ones), now it is playing Slayer.
The one major drawback, as I just found out, is that you can only skip a certain number of songs per hour. That means that if it picks something totally inappropriate and you tell them to skip it, you can only do that a certain number of times. I didn't count how many I actually skipped, there is still only one that I skipped because I just didn't like it. I was mostly just skipping past the ones that I already have in my CD collection, trying to find stuff that I hadn't ever heard. If I would have just listened to all of the songs, which I like anyway, mind you, I would probably not have hit that wall.
Wow! Superjoint Ritual sure knows how to kick some ass! I suppose what I call music wouldn't work for everyone. But they do have that handy feature that lets you search for an artist or title to start with, then, sort of like playing a game of MasterMind, keep trying new songs until they really find the niche that you are into. It's the best thing since
The best part about the whole deal, again, as I just found out, is that the more artists/songs you add to the "station", the more likely they are to find more stuff that matches your tastes pretty closely. While you may not like the stuff I do, Dew-Scented being the most recent example (that kicks some ass!), I bet they have some more down to earth genres as well. Hell, when I entered Goo Goo Dolls as a new station, I got a bunch of stuff that sounded pretty much like them.
Since I am not a spokesman for the company, and therefore all I get out of this endorsement is the satisfaction of 10 free hours of their weirdly accurate music selections, I am gonna call it a post.
Or not. Boy, that last selection just sounded like a guy taking a really big dump, through a straw or something (meaning he had to poo through an opening the size of a straw, and tried to 'sing' while he was doing it), to hear his voice. Of course, once I said I hated that one it was followed immediately by some Pantera. They know me. Much in the same way that astrologists can say that, since you are a Libra, the sun will rise in the morning and go down at night, now that is some freakily accurate insight.
Seriously though. They played only two songs that I simply didn't like in a stretch of two hours. There is no way you would get such results from a radio station. Also, they never repeated a song, try getting that from your local radio station. It is a great idea, though horribly over-priced, and I would really like to see it catch on. Perhaps get some legs
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